Monthly Archive for April, 2011

Something Something Royal Wedding Something Something Radiant Bride Something Something

By: Zack Stovall, April 29, 2011 in Celebrities, Government, News and Television. 0 Comments Tags: , , , , .

You know, you wait for this day for years and years, thinking of what you're going to say and when it finally comes...oh, just a loss for words. Am I right?

The big day has arrived. Finally. William and Kate. The Royal Wedding. Bedlam in the streets of the world. Little common girl (I guess?) marries Prince Charming. THEY WRITE FAIRY TALES ABOUT THIS STUFF AND DISNEY MAKES MILLIONS OFF IT, OKAY? IT’S A BIG DEAL.

Wedding-mania indeed swept the entire globe over the past week. In the colonies United States, people woke up at 3:00 and 4:00 am to watch all of the pageantry of the occasion, as it was broadcast on several reputable network television stations, and E! as well.

The wedding evoked images of another royal wedding set over thirty years ago by Prince Charles and the late mother of Prince William, Princess Diana of Wales. Tragically, her life was cut short by a paparazzi-fleeing car crash in Paris, yet the happy images of this royal wedding seem to invite warmer memories in her name.

As per tradition, the Queen of England bestowed both Prince William and Kate with titles, including the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, as well giving William the titles of Earl of Strathearn and Baron Carrickfergus (which Kate also received when they were married). That’s right. Baron Carrickfergus. “THANKS GRANDMA!”

Sadly, the pageantry has concluded, and now we’re left with only the fond memories therein. I guess Prince Harry is still around, but everyone seems pretty convinced that if he marries at all, there will be multiple marriages and almost all of them the product of a last-minute eloping at a bar in the European equivalent of Las Vegas. Or, heck, just plain old Las Vegas.

NFL Draft Tonight, But Will There Be an NFL This Season?

By: Zack Stovall, April 28, 2011 in Celebrities, Sports, Television and Video Games. 0 Comments Tags: , , , , , .

It looks like an NFL off-season. It feels like an NFL off-season. Sure, it even smells like an NFL off-season. But is it really an off-season if there’s no season to look forward to?

The pageantry seems to be in order. Yesterday, they released the cover of Madden 2K12, with underdog Browns RB Peyton Hillis being crowned King Cover Boy. Draft analysts have been assessing teams’ needs and those available from the collegiate ranks since before the season even ended, and now, the granddaddy of them all, the NFL Draft, showing up on prime time television on a Thursday night.

The draft traditionally began on a Saturday morning, but with the ratings as high as they’ve ever been for the NFL, the League decided to move it to a more favorable time slot, going up against NBC’s Must See TV line up, and came away with great ratings. Tonight, the draft will have an added element of drama with the uncertainty of the league headed into the ’11-’12 season.

Also, tonight is Steve Carell‘s last episode of “The Office.” Carell is stepping aside from his popular role of World’s Best Boss, Michael Scott, to focus more on film roles. It promises to be both side-splitting and tear-jerking. But which to choose? I love watching the draft but love watching “The Office” also.

I guess I could DVR one or the other. Or just get two TVs. I’m going to get two TVs.

White iPhone 4 Is Unleashed Upon the World Tomorrow

By: Zack Stovall, April 27, 2011 in News and Technology. 0 Comments Tags: , , , .

It's coming...It's coming soon.

If there’s anything geeks love more than the release of an Apple product, it’s the release of a slightly-and-mainly-aesthetic upgrade to the Apple product they just bought six months ago.

The white iPhone 4 is due to release in stores tomorrow. Back in July, Apple released the original black iPhone 4 in June and moved over 1.7 MILLION units off their shelves in the first three days. And remember, this was in the ancient days where iPhones were sold exclusively by AT&T. iPhones, including the iPhone 4, became available for Verizon customers in the early part of 2011.

“The White iPhone 4 has finally arrived and it’s beautiful,” said Philip Schiller, Apple’s senior vice president of worldwide product marketing, a little too excitedly.

So what are the new and fancy upgrades to this snazzy new smart phone? DRUM ROLL PLEASE!… Some of the original purchasers of the iPhone 4 complained of reception issues, as well as problems with the iPhone being able to be located on map applications (Interestingly enough, it has recently come to light that iPhones do indeed track your every move [Steve Jobs? BIG BROTHER?!]).

Huh. Well. That was kind of a let down.

Oh yeah, and it’s white! That means, when you take it out of your tremendously large protective case to clean it every other year, you’ll get to see a white iPhone 4 instead of a black one! Yay!

Devastating Weather in Arkansas and Missouri Leaves Numerous Homeless, Injured or Worse

By: Zack Stovall, April 26, 2011 in News. 0 Comments Tags: , , , , .

If April showers bring May flowers, the middle of the country is due for millions of bouquets this year.

Wild thunderstorms, torrential downpours and even tornadoes have ripped through Arkansas and Missouri within four days of each other, killing at least six people in Vilonia, Arkansas, leaving hundreds in both areas homeless, de-roofing and shutting down St. Louis’ Lambert International Airport and causing flood warnings in various rural areas in between.

The storms first began on Friday evening, when an F4 tornado ripped through St. Louis, Missouri. Tornadoes are categorized from one to five based on the severity and speed of the winds they produce, and less than one percent of all tornadoes are classified as F4 or higher. Those in the airport reported gusts of wind strong enough to break windows, and the roof of Concourse C was virtually destroyed. Fortunately for St. Louis, no fatalities were reported due to the storms.

Last night, central Arkansas was struck with its own spell of twisters. Unfortunately, while the tornadoes were not as severe as an F4, six people in the small rural town of Vilonia lost their lives. Flooding persists throughout Arkansas and Missouri, especially in Poplar Bluff, Missouri, where a crucial levee is already at capacity forcing state officials to call for an evacuation.

Countless families have been left without homes, and both states have declared themselves in a state of emergency. Contact Red Cross today to find out how you can help those who have lost their homes or more due to these devastating storms.

Rep. Gabrielle Giffords Cleared to Attend Astronaut Husband’s Shuttle Launch

By: Zack Stovall, April 25, 2011 in Government, Medicine and Politics. 0 Comments Tags: , , .

Wonder Woman

If the phrase “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” holds true, expect Rep. Gabrielle Giffords (D-Arizona) to start bench pressing cars any day now.

The Congresswoman, who was brutally attacked in January 8, 2011 by a lone gunman, Jared Lee Loughner, has been rehabilitating since the assassination attempt in Houston, Texas. While holding a meet-and-greet at a grocery store in Tucson, Arizona’s state capitol, Loughner opened fire, shooting Giffords directly in the head, killing nine others while injuring several before being subdued. Numerous reports coming from the the day of the incident first claimed that Giffords has been so severely injured that she had died, however her status was later clarified as critical condition.

Slowly, Giffords began to show small signs of improvement. While still in critical condition and a medically-induced coma, she began to show signs of understanding, including gripping her husband’s hand, moving her eyes make making small gestures. The initial prognosis from doctors was grim, some doubting that she would ever walk again, others that she would even live through the rehabilitation. Giffords has been improving at a miraculous rate, beginning to engage in conversation, stand on her own and even walk around.

In fact, doctors say she is doing so well, she plans to be able to attend the shuttle launch of her astronaut husband, Mark E. Kelly. Kelly is the commander of the space shuttle Endeavor, and is scheduled to launch this Friday, with his wife and President Barack Obama on hand to watch the shuttle’s final mission.

Easter Sunday: Eggs, Wearing White and an Increase of Breaking and Entering, Candy-Wielding Vermin Nationwide

By: Zack Stovall, April 22, 2011 in Food and Holidays. 0 Comments Tags: , , , , .

"Happy Easter, guys. Happy Easter."

Today is Good Friday, the day that reminds some people of the death of Jesus of Nazareth and reminds everyone to be jealous of friends who get off work or school today but to be pumped about a diabetes-inducing amount of candy that will be devoured hastily on Easter Sunday in two days’ time.

Many families get together to mark the Christian holiday commemorating the resurrection of Jesus, and mark it in a variety of ways, namely eggs. The origin of the tradition of hunting eggs is not clearly defined, but most believe it to be derived from the symbol of an egg being the beginning of a new life (reflected by Jesus being alive again, as well as the Christian tradition of being “born again” upon conversion to Christianity). Traditionally, simple chicken eggs were painted or dyed, and yes, hidden from children to be discovered later.

It’s my personal guess that parental authorities were tired of their stupid children not finding these eggs and leaving them to rot and reek of sulfur in their yards, but somewhere along the line, candy eggs, either made entirely of chocolate or fake eggs encasing other candy such as jelly beans, were also included to reward children in their quest for more eggs. Then, somehow, a rabbit got thrown into the lexicon. Rabbits are notoriously fertile creatures, so with the new birth theme intact, you can see where one would derive it. But we’ve already got the eggs, and rabbits don’t hatch any of them and I would have feared the entire holiday would spiral out of control…if I weren’t too busy stuffing my face with Cadbury eggs.

Oh yeah, and you get to start wearing white again. White symbolizes purity and innocence and is therefore symbolically representative of Easter, but who’s making all of these rules about when I can’t symbolize purity and innocence? If I want to wear my faux Polar Bear fur coat I got for Christmas, why should I get picked on by some old lady about it?

Anyway, Happy Good Friday and Easter.

Tomorrow Is Earth Day: Give the Planet an Actual Pat on the Back

By: Zack Stovall, April 21, 2011 in Celebrities, Holidays and Science. 0 Comments Tags: , , , .

Tomorrow is the much-ballyhooed holiday, Earth Day, created to celebrate the vast wealth of natural resources afforded to us by this gorgeous celestial orb of ours and to remind us, the lowly and humble inhabitants therein, to cherish its beauty and splendor and to be good stewards while we have our precious moments on its terrestrial plains.

Roughly translated: NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR GAS GUZZLER ANYMORE, DAD.

While tomorrow is Earth Day, the entire week has been dedicated to Earth Week. You may have noticed several television stations have made their logos green and feature some of their most vaunted spokespeople reminding you what you can do in your day to day routine to be a more conscious inhabitant of the environment. Because if anything says “We don’t want to just look like we care about the environment,” it’s getting people who are paid good money to speak words that they don’t really mean and that other people write for them to say things for them.

I think by now people get the basics: Recycle, homies. It’s not that hard, just get another trash can for recyclables. Carpool into work if you can. With gas prices the way they are, the environment of your wallet will thank you before the Earth will. Ladies, cut back on the hair drying if you can, and gentlemen, turn off the Sportscenter if you’re not watching it. They replay the same episode like NINE TIMES, you don’t have to keep watching it. Get better light bulbs, high efficiency washing machines and use both of them less.

Oh yeah, and give the good ole Earth a pat on the ole back. It’s put up with your crap for, what? a few billion years now? That’s stout. You go, Earth. You go.

Today’s Date Is April 20th, Making It 420…Wait, Why Is That Significant Again?

By: Zack Stovall, April 20, 2011 in Celebrities, Holidays and News. 0 Comments Tags: , , , , .

I, for one, am failing to see the significance of this day.

I keep hearing a lot of buzz about today’s date for some reason. All of the morning radio stations on the way to work were talking about going to “420 celebrations” or sneaking out to go “420 it up” (actually heard that last expression, by the way). I have no idea what that means. I know some people take an early day on St. Patrick’s Day, to go imbibe with their friends and celebrate Irish culture. What culture are we celebrating here? Who’s the saint today? (/quick Wikipedia check) Agnes of Montepulciano? I just read her bio, and I still have no idea who that saint is/was.

So, why is everyone off celebrating? I can think of three really BAD things that happened on 420: the Columbine shootings, last year’s BP oil well explosion in the Gulf of Mexico and Hitler being born on 420 in 1889. But nobody is going to go out and celebrate those things, so why am I hearing so much about it?

Maybe people are celebrating the 39 year anniversary of the Apollo 16 moon landing. Man, that John Young, who commanded the ship, really knew his stuff. I guess. I mean, he landed it on the moon, which was what he was trying to do, but I don’t see the point in getting all worked up about it 39 years later. Apollo 11, sure, but 16? Maybe we’re supposed to be celebrating the three-year anniversary of Danica Patrick becoming the first female Indy car race winner by taking the checkered flag at the Indy Japan 300. Way to go, Danica!

NEVER MIND. I got it! On this day, 85 years ago, Warner Brothers and Western Electric (since absorbed by AT&T) released Vitaphone, a process that added sound to movies, mercifully taking the world out of the silent film era! Finally! Go out with a bunch of friends and see a movie at a movie theater and thank your lucky stars you weren’t around 85 years ago.

Meat-Only Dukan Diet: FINALLLY A Diet To Which I Already Unwittingly Subscribe

By: Zack Stovall, April 19, 2011 in Celebrities, Food and Medicine. 0 Comments Tags: , , , .

Ron Swanson and the Dukan Diet : Peas and Carrots

Diet fads and trends come and go. The no-carb Atkins diet was all the rage in the early part of last decade, and my mom used to do something called “The South Beach Diet,” which never involved going to South Beach. Like the weight of those who subscribed to these diets, these fads tend to fluctuate, fall out of favor and most die off as soon as the next new weight loss gimmick, outside of conscious eating and an active lifestyle, comes along.

But that was before the Dukan Diet. That was before we saw the light.

The Dukan Diet, which relies on a heavy intake of pure protein found in my favorite food group, the meats, originated in France and a book detailing this dieting philosophy is due out next week. To further the hype, in England Kate Middleton, who later this month is marrying Prince William in a royal wedding to be viewed by millions of people worldwide, has been rumored to have lost a tremendous amount of weight in order to slim down for her wedding by employing the Dukan Diet. “THAT’S where I lost Prince William! THAT’S what I’ve been doing wrong!” said a lonely Price William fanatic/cat enthusiast woman in Santa Claus, Indiana.

The diet has four steps, in which you are gradually able to accept other foods outside of strict proteins into your body, eventually eating nothing but meat only one day per week. But why even incorporate other foods? If it ain’t broke, DO NOT FIX IT. I don’t know about you, but I and my friend Ron Swanson have been utilizing this all-protein lifestyle for sometime now, and I could not be any-….

…sorry, thought I was having a heart attack there. I could not be any healthier. So for those looking to slim down for the summer, maybe the Dukan Diet and a slab of ribs is just what the dietitian ordered.

Boston Marathon: THE WAHLD’S OLDEST AND GREATEST MARATHAWN

By: Zack Stovall, April 18, 2011 in News and Sports. 0 Comments Tags: , , , .

Today marks the 115th running of the Boston Marathon, a 26.2-mile haul beginning in neighboring Hopkinton, Mass. and eventually careening through the streets of downtown Boston. Every year, thousands of people from every corner of the country and globe come to race in the world’s oldest (and one of the most difficult) marathon.

Last year’s male and female winners, Robert Cheruiyot of Kenya and Teyba Erkesso of Ethiopia respectively, are returning to try and defend their title. Last year, Cheruiyot shattered the records by finishing in just over two hours and five minutes. However, other contenders have been training especially hard for this event, leading many to call this year’s field one of the strongest ever.

Of course, there are other people in the race, too. In fact, most of the people in the race aren’t even competing to win, they are just there to race and fulfill goals or lifelong dreams or any number of sappy conclusions that can be made by racing and completing a race. According to Christian Lander’s “Stuff White People Like,” Marathon’s are listed as No. 27. Says Lander:

To a white person, the absolute pinnacle of fitness is to run a marathon.  Not to win, just to run.

White people will train for months, telling everyone who will listen about how they get up early in the morning, they run when it rains, how it makes them feels so great and gives them energy.

When they finish the marathon, they will generally take a photo of themselves in a pair of New Balance sneakers, running shorts, and their marathon number with both hands over their head in triumph (seriously, look it up, this is universal).

So be sure to tune in to see a wide variety of marathoners, both the professional racers, the casual joggers and, possibly, one 400-plus pound man marathoning through the streets of RED SAWX NATION, and the deafening cry of “OW-AH MARATHAWNS AHH SUPERIAH TO YO-AH MARATHAWNS! NO ONE DENIES THIS!”