Author Archive for Suzanne Obszanski

Justin Bieber Sets Mom’s Hair on Fire

By: Suzanne Obszanski, April 5, 2011 in Uncategorized. 0 Comments

Dear mom,

I love you so much.  After all that you’ve done for me, for your birthday, I’m going to bring you on stage, embarrass you and then set your precious locks ablaze.

Love,

Justin

On Saturday night, Justin Bieber was performing at Berlin’s O2 World Arena. At the end of his show, he brought mom Pattie Mallette onstage to present her with a cake laced with a few pyrotechnics.  Unfortunately, as his mom leaned over to blow out her candles, a few strands of her hair caught on fire.  Although the Biebster quickly put out the flames, the damage and embarrassment was done. Mallette later tweeted “Thank u @justinbieber for the cake (& embarrassing me on stage lol).”

Radioactive Sushi

By: Suzanne Obszanski, April 5, 2011 in Uncategorized. 0 Comments Tags: , , , , , .

I don’t want anything to do with fish imported from Japan. Period. Radiation levels in the waters off of the coast hit 7.5 million times the legal limit forcing government officials to impose a new health limit for radioactivity levels in fish. Although fishing has been banned near the plant, fish in waters over 3 miles from the shore are testing with levels much above legal limits.

The fishing economy of the country is already under great strife as many of the boats and ports are severely damaged as a result of the March 11 tsunami and earthquake. Because of this, the vast majority of fishing has been halted altogether; however, the few who do manage to hit the waters and snag some marine life struggle to find buyers because of fears about radioactive sushi radiation.

Local fishing companies have demanded that TEPCO, the Tokyo Electric Power Company, compensate them for their losses, in much the same way BP was responsible for compensating fisherman in the great oil spill of 2010. TEPCO is also offering up to 20 million yen ($240,000) to compensate residents near the plant for damages; although that number doesn’t seem to come near the billions of dollars it has actually cost those towns to evacuate every single citizen.

Luckily for us, the United States Food and Drug administration is requiring food coming into the country from Japan to be checked for radiation.  Every single fish must be checked and cleared prior to release to the American people for consumption.  The FDA claims that all food that has been imported from Japan since the disaster has been completely safe to eat.

The FDA, by the way, has also approved more than a dozen drugs that have since been taken off the market due to serious side-effects, resulting in hundreds of injuries and deaths. Remember the Fen-Phen fiasco? Needless to say, I’m not taking their word for it.

The 2011 Masters at Augusta National Golf Club

By: Suzanne Obszanski, April 4, 2011 in Sports. 0 Comments Tags: , , , , , .

Spring has sprung, unless, of course, you live in Denver.  In that case, it was summer on Saturday and winter yesterday. Needless to say, the grass is turning green, pretty flowers are sprouting and it is about that time…to watch men take graphite clubs and hit little white balls all around a fancy-pants country club.

Though it may very well be the most well-known course on earth, a relatively small number of people have actually graced its greens.  Augusta National, located in Augusta, Georgia, is also the only course to play host to one of the four major golf championships every year.  Unlike the US Open, the Open Championship or the PGA championship, which change location annually, the Masters is always played at Augusta National, a men’s only country club (let’s not forget that golf is, technically, an acronym standing for “Gentleman Only Ladies Forbidden”).

This year’s masters is sure to garner some serious ratings as millions watch to see if Tiger Woods can put together some sort of winning run post the mistresses scandal of 2009, something he has yet to do.  In fact, the highest he has finished in any competition after his wife attacked him wielding nothing other than a golf club is 4th place at last year’s masters.

Play starts on Thursday, April 7, 2011 and coverage of the event can be seen on the Golf Channel, ESPN and CBS. With the coveted green jacket on the line, players like Mickelson, Woods and Harrington, among countless others, are sure to come out swinging, literally.

Green Jacket, Gold Jacket?  Who gives a…

Babies Crack Up the Web

By: Suzanne Obszanski, April 1, 2011 in Internet and News. 0 Comments Tags: , .

Viral baby videos are all the rage on YouTube.  Whether it is a baby cracking up as his dad tears up a rejection letter, two twins engaging in their own private banter near the refrigerator or a group of sextuplets chuckling in unison, these videos receive thousands of hits daily, if not millions.

The most recent video to tear through the web is of twins who laugh, banter and move in unison with one another, seemingly understanding perfectly what the other is trying to say and do.  Have a look:

The Cards-Cubs Rivalry Commences

By: Suzanne Obszanski, March 31, 2011 in News and Sports. 1 Comment Tags: , , , .

Talk of baseball blew up my morning Facebook feed, which can only mean one thing:  the boys of summer are baaaack!  For me, the start of baseball is synonymous with a lot of things, including beer, hot dogs, beer, nachos, beer and popcorn (not to insinuate that I need baseball in order to drink beer).  It also means that summer is almost here…finally!  And lastly, it means I can officially commence my trash talking against all things Chicago Cubs, which really brings me to one of life’s biggest mysteries:  How do Cubs fans confidently talk smack against anyone, let alone St. Louis Cardinals fans.   Continue reading ‘The Cards-Cubs Rivalry Commences’

Mom Injects 8-Year-Old Daughter With Botox

By: Suzanne Obszanski, March 30, 2011 in Uncategorized. 1 Comment Tags: , , , .

A California mom is giving her 8-year-old daughter Botox injections in her forehead, lips and around her eyes every three months because, hold your breath, mom says she wants her daughter to be a superstar.  But seriously, don’t worry people.  Mom (Kerry) says she, like, totally tests the Botox and fillers bought online, like, on herself first.

Dr. 90210 claims, “I know one day she will be a model, actress or singer and having these treatments now will ensure she stays looking younger and baby-faced for longer.  I’m sure people think I’m being irresponsible.”  For the record, California mom, I don’t think you’re being irresponsible.  I think you are totally delusional and setting your child up for a lifetime of body image issues and irreversible psychological problems.

Aside from the fact that the FDA has not approved Botox for use in children, Botox is a toxin.  I repeat, Botox is a toxin people!  In fact, it’s the same toxin that can cause a life-threatening type of food poisoning called botulism.  Real doctors use it in small doses, but who am I to say this mom (who is a self-proclaimed licensed beautician) isn’t appropriately trained to inject this into her daughter, Britney?

Britney also seems to love tolerate the Botox treatments.  She said, “My friends think it’s cool I have all the treatments, and they want to be like me.  I check every night for wrinkles, and when I see some, I want more injections. They used to hurt, but now I don’t cry that much.  I also want a boob and nose job soon so that I can be a star.”

The road to stardom is clear.  Botox. Boobs. Nosejob.  Damn.  I wish someone would have told me.

Can somebody please call Child Protective Services on this nightmare?

Oh No You Didn’t…That’s My Baby Daddy!

By: Suzanne Obszanski, March 29, 2011 in Celebrities, News and Television. 0 Comments Tags: , , , , .

Come again?  Are people really trying to argue that MTV’s Teen Mom glorifies teenage pregnancy?  Have you watched that train-wreck of a show?  In case you’ve missed the headlines on major news networks like CNN or FoxNews or cover stories in gossip tabloids such as US Weekly, that show does NOT glorify pregnancy.

Teen Mom, a reality series spin-off on MTV detailing the lives of young moms (and daddy’s when they choose to actually stick around), depicts the very harsh realities of teenage moms trying to balance motherhood with school and social life.  Oh, and trying to get enough dollar dollar bills to raise a child.

Recent headlines are filled with stories of Teen Mom’s notorious star Jenelle Evans straight-up jackin’ another girl in the face for messing with her man. Oh no she didn’t.  The victim, Brittany Muggard, and Jenelle both face charges from the D.A.’s office for disorderly conduct for fighting in a public place.  If convicted, the girls could face a maximum of 60 days in jail.  Really, this example is just the top of the iceberg when it comes to hot messes on the show.

While MTV argues that Teen Mom does depict the harsh reality of being young parents, critics have argued that teenagers nation-wide who dream of fame get pregnant just to audition for the show. Apparently something about dead-beat baby daddy’s, domestic disputes, trashy grandparents and the absence of a social life appeals to these young whippersnappers.  I suppose one could argue that teenage girls are extremely impressionable, and the tabloids do nothing but help blur the lines between being famous and infamous.

Trust me…these girls are infamous, not famous.

Well, At Least Ashley Judd Is Happy!

By: Suzanne Obszanski, March 28, 2011 in News and Sports. 0 Comments Tags: , , , , , , , , .

RIPPPPPP! That sound you hear is brackets all over America being ripped to shreds.  The final four teams are locked and loaded, and chances are, not a single person in America guessed this right.  Virginia Commonwealth (we’ll get to that later), Kentucky, UConn and Butler will square off this weekend in Houston, Texas for the chance to become NCAA Champions.  This weekend was a wild ride…

The final four teams are locked, loaded and headed to Houston for a chance at becoming the 2011 NCAA Champions.

Kansas Jayhawks did it again, and I mean that in a bad way.  VCU (who?) rammed them early and often.  Actually, it wasn’t even close, and Kansas followed with their yearly tradition of losing to no-name teams from no-name conferences (2010 – lost to Northern Iowa in the second round, 2006 – lost to Bradley in the first round, 2005 – lost to Bucknell in the first round).  The team that might not have even received an N.I.T. bid is making the most of their 15 days of fame. On to the Final Four. If VCU is catching…I’ll have what they are having. Rams win it 71-61.

You got to hand it to the Tar Heels for playing with heart for the entire 40 minutes and giving the Kentucky Wildcats a run for their money, but this was a race Kentucky led from the get-go.  The Wildcats and Calapari are headed to Houston, and Ashley Judd is happy!  Kentucky in a squeaker:  76-69.

The boys in black and their never say die attitude did it…AGAIN!  In yet another great game, in yet another down-to-the-wire comeback, the Butler Bulldogs made gatorbait of Florida.  If you are shocked that the bulldogs are headed to the final four for the second consecutive year, you really shouldn’t be (even if they are only the third non-major conference team to make it to back-to-back final fours).  Butler dogs Florida 74-71.

In yet another buzzer shot, UConn held on to beat the boys of ‘Zona in a thriller.  The Huskies are the last team standing of the Big East’s 11 NCAA entrants.  After going just 9-9 in regular-season conference play, few would have guessed 3 weeks ago that this would be the only team out of the powerhouse conference left standing.  Huskies send the cats packin’ 65-63.

In conclusion, unless you picked your brackets based on your favorite color or the cutest mascots (which, let’s be honest…you would have been better off doing so), chances are you have no chance.

The Oxford English Dictionary Is Ridiculous

By: Suzanne Obszanski, March 25, 2011 in Uncategorized. 1 Comment Tags: , , , , .

Using the standard that new dictionary additions must be widely “used and understood”, the Oxford English Dictionary recently added “FYI”, “LOL” and “OMG” to its pages.  How about “STFU”?  Oh wait… the “f-word” also made the cut (not literally f**k, but “f-word”).  I have a real problem with this for too many reasons.

If "LOL" is now in the Oxford English Dictionary, does that mean I can use it in Scrabble?

For starters, these “words” are more like abbreviations and can somewhat be quantified as an acronym, which is an abbreviation composed of the initial letters or syllables of a compound term.  An example of this is DOS, which means Disk Operating System.  It is widely accepted and understood that when people say “DOS”, this is to what they are referring.  But really, if I requested the assistance of Jay Leno and did some “Jaywalking” through the streets, I’m certain I would find a plethora of people who could NOT identify its origin.  And the same goes for “LOL”, “OMG” and “FYI”.  Just ask my grandma.

Every year around this time, the rocket-scientists at OED release a list of new words that will be welcomed to its pages.  The words are always abso-freaking-lutely ridiculous and cause me to question everything about the language I studied so hard in college (well, I actually partied a lot in college, but it still makes me mad).

I suppose that just because a word is in the Oxford English Dictionary isn’t justification for its use; however, when conducting more thorough and intense research Googling other words, I found that “Bootylicious” (a woman with junk in her trunk), “Grrrrrl” (a young woman regarded as independent and strong) and “himbo” (a male bimbo) also made the cut.  And for the record, Microsoft Word puts red squiggles under every single one of these words.

Rhetorical question:  Who makes these decisions, and does this mean I can play these words in Scrabble?

Think Quarterly: Google’s Crossover Into the Media Business?

By: Suzanne Obszanski, March 24, 2011 in Internet, Literature and News. 0 Comments Tags: , , .

Designed by creative agency The Church of London, Google quietly launched Think Quarterly, an online magazine of sorts published four times annually. Featuring no advertising, the publication is absolutely free to view.

Google quietly launched Think Quarterly, an online magazine intended to serve as a "unique communications tool".

Think Quarterly, published at www.thinkquarterly.co.uk, is a communication tool intended for business partners and “anyone who is interested”. With feature interviews on Vodafone UK CEO Guy Lawrence and Google Chief Economist Hal Varian, among others, most of the content is aimed to provide thought pieces about major business and technology, including topics from a variety of freelancers and contributors, like the Guardian’s Simon Rogers.

Google denies they are aiming to crossover into the media business, instead claiming the publication is simply a “unique communications tool”. Matt Brittin, Google’s managing director in the UK and Ireland, wrote, “Our first issue is dedicated to data – amongst a morass of information, how can you find the magic metrics that will help transform your business? We hope that you find inspiration, insights, and more, in Think Quarterly.”

Britin, Google’s Managing Director, also noted, “Our first issue is dedicated to Data – amongst a morass of information, how can you find the magic metrics that will help transform your business? We hope that you find inspiration, insights, and more, in Think Quarterly.”

As speculation continues to swirl on Google’s intent for the future, Google execs will swear up and down its ranks that they have no intent to produce content, only organize and manage it. Only time will tell.